You see we all get triggered at times. I’ll give you an example, sometimes because “health” is my world, (I spend my days writing about it, researching it or helping people with it) it triggers me when those who are closest to me consciously or unconsciously repeatedly ignore my suggestions or advice.
I found myself saying this week, “Look I know I’m getting frustrated and I sound angry. If I sit with what’s really going on for me though, it’s that I’m really worried about your health. So, I’m sorry I got frustrated, can I share more about that with you?”
Which was thankfully somewhat mature and I’m learning sharing my core or secondly emotion tends to open up conversations rather than just running with my primary or primal reactions. Hilariously sometimes my darker, angry self may actually want to say to these loved ones,
“Keep ignoring me then, eat your cheap shit gluten with a side of glyphosate, I hope you get a face full of acne.”
Or “Quit complaining about how sore you are, even after an adjustment and be self-responsible. Do what other children have to do – stretch!”
Or “Hey you’re super tired, you’ve already been out a lot since exams and when you’re hung over, you’re actually completely obnoxious and I want to punch you in your smug face.”
Definitely less mature and inappropriate.
I’m giving teenager and kid examples here, but you hear me. It could our partners or parents who trigger us, a work colleague or a friend and it may be about finances rather than health, or accountability or availability, whatever.
What I’m saying is, at times I may need to pause and wrangle my anger. Even sleep on a response or decision, if I know I’m tired and struggling for a non-electrified response. What fast tracks this process however is asking myself,
“What’s really the issue?
“What’s the actual core emotion?”
Here’s the nugget, 9 out of 10 times I bet there’s a fear that underlies your anger. Lead with that. Open your heart and be vulnerable.
Full disclosure – with the examples above, in a weary moment I sometimes fear that my kids won’t be self-responsible about their health even though I can give a mountain of foresight. I fear that they’ll become compromised health wise and I will have failed.
The best way to let fear go is to take action and sometimes the best way to take action is through – communication.